Wednesday, 21 January 2009

When the wind changes.

Today, I'm slightly irritated with the world. Frustrated with its solidity. Confined by it. Cross to have come up against boundaries I don't often have to remember are there. I'm bright, and my family is reasonably well off. I live in one of the most enlightened countries in the world at one of the most enlightened times in history. If you argue with that, find me places that could be better. I have always been able to believe that I can do whatever I want. Not in a selfish way - well, I could, but that's not what I mean. I have more opportunities than very nearly everybody else in the world. But still, there are limits. Where is the infinite, that the child knows? Today I can't see it.

I'm restless. I need to move on - pick a different life and live it for a while. Not sit couch potatoed in this rut. Find the energy to pick up new ways of being. I could try and do that in ways that perhaps nobody else would notice, but I am getting toward needing to do something big. I need to gather the energy for it. Wind myself up for a trigger. But I know from long experience that I can keep winding for a very long time before I set going, and there's no guarantee that something won't snap or unwind all at once with no progress. For a woman, I'm surprisingly bad at doing two things at once. Thinking two things, fine, but less good at doing them. I will find it difficult to give the energy to finding a new way while I'm still stuck with this way. I suppose part of my difficulty is purely my indecisiveness. I have made unequivocal statements here, but that doesn't mean they're the side of the argument that my ever-divided mind will eventually come down on. So much is dependent. A pot that could boil over or keep roiling away never quite making it but never settling. That's not a perfect metaphor.

I am going to switch my mind off, in the hope that a break will make the decision. Leave things in limbo. I dither, always, because I need to find a way of going forwards that does not cut off the way back. Continuity is a necessity for me. If I don't have it, I will become unstuck.

I suspect I have stopped making a great deal of sense. That life switch off button.

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