Would you ever give yourself a new name? Like, just start introducing yourself to new people as something different and answer to that? I can't work out why I'm attracted to this idea. I'm sure it's something about wanting to be different and to change - pop-psychology for you. I dislike the idea that this would just be to escape from this self. I don't think I think that. Maybe I do? I had to work very hard not to hack my hair off with scissors yesterday. I mostly didn't because Carl was lying across my legs. I wish I had the balls to do some of these things, and do them properly. (I shall resist on the hair front at least until I can afford to go to a hairdresser and get them to do it properly. I know what I want it to look like, and I've wanted it to look like that since LAST time I got it cut. Trouble was I didn't know until I got home and realised that what I'd asked for wasn't what I wanted. Bah.)
I just like the idea of the freedom of having an entirely different name - somewhere, with some people. It could never be EVERYWHERE. But wouldn't that be cool? Wouldn't it give you license to be a completely different person somewhere? Or is it a recipe for some sort of split personality thing? (No Discworld references, I'm *actually* being grown up...)
Maybe I will. I was reading a book today and found a name I just thought would be fun. Just a first name, I don't need to quarrel with my surname. I'm not QUARRELING per se with my first name. I just fancy being someone else for a bit. Next time I meet a whole new set of people, maybe I'll just introduce myself as that. No, I'm not going to tell you what it is, that's the point...
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7 hours ago
I once thought about this, on a train from Cambridge to London. I was so unhappy with my life at the time that I thought I should just disappear, never to be seen again. Get on a plane, throw away the passport, wander, that sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is... life wouldn't be different, we are who we are, and we will make the same mistakes (and do the same good things) no matter where we are and what our name is.
As an aside, I get the feeling that you're growing up at the moment, and by that I mean that you're realizing that you need to have control of your life and destiny to survive and thrive, and I think it's beautiful.
Now work on that terrible taste in men!
I kind of mean that we get stuck in ourselves. That there's a rut we just fall into, half without noticing. And that you have to change something in order to get out of it. Symbolic really. I did it once before, by giving up alcohol and moving out of college. I just need to make a decision sometimes, and make it real. I know that the person I am wouldn't change, but some of the surface is built up accretions of a life, and I wonder whether THAT could be shifted by changing something and seeing whether a new person could be built up.
ReplyDeleteGah. I hate never knowing who people are. I'm usually 90% sure I know, but never quite. So I don't know how much you know about my recent life. Quite a lot. Most of the people who even know about this blog know me quite well. I'm working on the taste in men...:-P.